DiscoverYour Daughter

Here’s an eye-opening statistic: In a recent survey, 75 percent of more than 6,000 tween girls admitted they’d been bullied.*

“Every day this girl bullies me. She calls me fat, mean, and ugly.” -11-year-old girl, Texas

We all have a mental image of the typical bully. For decades, movies and TV shows have portrayed bullies as that big guy who likes to shove smaller classmates into lockers, or that popular, manipulative mean girl whose sidekicks follow her around like puppies. But what most parents don’t realize is that today’s bully could look just like your daughter’s best friend—and sometimes, that’s exactly who it is.

“When we’re with other people, my friend always makes fun of me. But when we’re alone she’s so nice.” -12-year-old girl, N.J.

Almost 50 percent of girls we surveyed have had a classmate or friend make a mean comment about their looks. But is that just part of growing up?

It seems that younger and younger kids are getting caught up in cliques and rivalries. Just ask Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World. “As soon as children start forming friendship groups, conflict and movement—best friends one day and enemies the next—begin. Feelings of rejection and exclusion are common as kids try to figure out where they fit in. Between the ages of 8 and 12, we start to see some kids who have higher social skills and who can navigate that world more easily than others. That’s the time where you see things like special clubs and coded languages among groups of friends.”

You can’t control what goes on in your daughter’s life 24/7. But you can help her understand and help to prepare her. Before she’s bullied by a friend—and the stats show it probably will happen—talk to her. Some key points to keep in mind:

• Communicate: Let your daughter know that it’s common at this age for kids to exclude or say mean things, and encourage her to come to you (or another trusted adult), if it happens to her. Assure her that she doesn’t have to suffer in silence. 
• Validate: Tell her, “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for coming to me. Together we’re going to work this out.” If your daughter is turning to you for help, chances are she’s been thinking about coming to you for a long time. Don’t tell her it’s no big deal or it will blow over in a day or two. It’s a big deal to her, and she needs you to take her seriously.
• Be real: Telling your daughter to “Be nice” or “Treat her the way you want to be treated” doesn’t work. All this does is give the bully the go-ahead for her behavior. She’ll think, “I can treat her mean and she’ll still be nice—great!” Instead, encourage your daughter to stand up for herself and act confident—even if she doesn’t feel it.
• Act it out: Help your daughter practice what she might say to the mean girl in different situations. You might even want to act out scenes together, taking turns playing the different parts. For example, if your daughter’s “frenemy” always calls her “Spotty” because your daughter has freckles, you might say something like this while playing your daughter: “I’m sorry you feel like you have pick on people like that, but please use my real name. Oh, and by the way, I think freckles are cute.” Being prepared can help a girl handle even the toughest situation without getting rattled.
• Be honest: If she starts the conversation by asking you to promise not to tell anyone what’s going on, be clear: “I can’t make that promise. We might have to go to your teacher or the principal, or someone else to get help with this problem. But I will promise to always tell you first—no surprises.”

Why Does She Put Up With It?

Parents may very well wonder why their smart, beautiful girls put up with friends who act like bullies. Sometimes the girl knows she’s being treated badly but is simply afraid to stand up for herself. Other times, she’s confused—she can’t see clearly that the relationship is not healthy. Catherine Lee, publisher of Discovery Girls, says this isn’t a unique problem. In fact, it happens everywhere. “I talk to hundreds of girls each year and read thousands of girls’ letters and e-mails. The same questions and issues come up over and over. At this age, girls need help differentiating between good and bad friendships. If a girl were mean 100% of the time, it would be easy to determine that she’s not your friend. How much mean is too much? That’s the magic question.”

If you think your daughter is caught in an unhealthy friendship, there are three ways to help her work through it and make choices on her own: 1) Ask her for the top qualities she looks for in a friendship. 2) Ask her to tell you the top three things that describe her friend. 3) Suggest she compare and contrast. If the answers don’t match up, help her determine what she wants to do about it.

You’ll also find help for your daughter in Discovery Girls’ wealth of friendship articles. For starters, share “Just Say No! to Poisonous Friendships,”  ”Mean Girls and Frenemies,” and “How to Win at the Teasing Game” in our February/March 2010 issue (on newsstands January 2010) with her. Or read them together, and ask her if she recognizes her own friends in any of the girls or situations described. 

Navigating the world of friendships is a life-long journey. Giving your daughter the tools to be strong and confident in the face of conflict will not only help her now, but for many years to come.

*Discovery Girls Survey, October 2009