DiscoverYour Daughter

Only 29 percent of girls say they turn to their parents to help them feel better when things don’t go their way. More than half turn to their friends.

She comes home, makes a beeline for her bedroom and slams the door—bam! Oh no, you think,this can’t be good. Maybe she didn’t get that spot she desperately wanted on the cheerleading squad. Or maybe she lost the student council election, or wasn’t invited to the big sleepover everyone’s been talking about. Whatever it is, she’s disappointed—no, she’s devastated.

You want to help her through it. But it’s not as easy to soothe her hurts as it used to be. Half the time it seems likes she’s just tuning you out, wishing you’d go away. So, what do you do? Give her space? March up there and deliver a high-energy pep talk? Deep breath: There are expert-backed ways to help her emerge from her disappointment even stronger…and we’re here to guide you through them.

Be There for Her—The Right Way

 “When I get disappointed, I usually go to my dog because she is so loyal and has a way of knowing how I feel. I can never trust my parents because they sometimes make me feel bad for being disappointed.”

She may want to scream, or she may not want to talk at all. Either way, let her know you’re there for her. If she’s angry that she didn’t win that election, let her rant to you about how sad and awful she feels…even if the event doesn’t seem that important to you. (Remember, it’s huge in her world.) Don’t tell her it’s not a big deal. On the other hand, if you do think it’s a big deal, be sure not to let your feelings get in the way of her healing. Commiserate by saying, “I hear you, and it’s normal that you feel upset.” But don’t thwart the development of her coping skills by joining in her anger. “Talking to your daughter about what happened in a non-judgmental and non-accusatory way shows her that disappointment is a part of life, but something to be handled with dignity,” says Sam Goldstein, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in child development and the co-author of Raising a Self-Disciplined Child: Help your Child Become More Responsible, Confident and Resilient.

If she doesn’t want to talk just yet, it’s important that she knows that you know she’s hurt and that you care, says Michele Borba, EdD, an educational psychologist and author of several parenting books, including the upcoming The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. “I like the idea of texting your daughter every so often to say, ‘How ya doing?’ or ‘I’m here for ya!’” says Borba. “You’ll break through on her level with a clear message that you care.”

Help Her Through It

The best way to change her thinking from “Oh, my gosh, I’m such a loser!” to “I may have failed this time, but it will only make me stronger!” is to change the way she thinks about disappointment in general. “Moms should avoid setting the bar too high or defining successful experiences for their daughters rather than letting daughters do this for themselves,” says Goldstein. “Let her know instead that mistakes are opportunities to learn and that they should not only be accepted but expected as a normal part of growing up.”

An excellent way to do just that is by giving her believable examples of times when she or others failed at first but persevered, only to get better and stronger. “Shows like American Idol offer great examples of how sometimes the person who doesn’t win first place goes on to an even better fate.” A common mistake is assuming that our kids are so resilient that they’ll just inherently know how to bounce back on their own. But that’s not always so. “It’s up to us to empower our daughters and give them the skills to bounce back and cope,” says Borba. One place you’ll find lots of help in getting the message across is Discovery Girls, with features like “Bounce Back Quick,” “Dare to Fail,” and “Dealing with Disappointment.” They’ll reinforce your lessons with examples she’ll find relatable, and show your daughter she’s not alone.  

Get Her Trying Again

If your daughter’s disappointment has lingered to the point where she’s hesitant to get back up and try again, it’s you who can start to feel defeated. But don’t. “The trick is not to push too fast,” says Borba. “Help her determine that first little non-scary thing she can do to get back on board. Encourage her to do that and then build back up from there.” 

Goldstein also suggests adjusting expectations—both yours and hers—to make her feel better about trying something again after a failure. Be sure you’re honestly assessing your daughter’s strengths and that your expectations—and hers—are realistic. “If she knows that everyone fails sometimes, and that your love and affection are not contingent on whether or not she makes mistakes, she’ll be more willing to try again.”  

Let Her Look Up to You

It’s a fact of life that your daughter will learn more from what you do than what you say, says Goldstein. So the way you respond to being passed over for that promotion or even just burning dinner is more than just a one-time reaction. “You need to realize your daughter is watching those little everyday moments and will copy your coping style,” says Borba. “Ask yourself what it is your daughter is copying. Is it the model you want her to use? I tell moms to say to themselves every night, ‘If my daughter had only my behavior to watch today, what would she have learned?’ It’s scary sometimes, but we need to realize just how influential we can be on how or kids see the world.”