DiscoverYour Daughter

When have sibling fighting and sibling jealousy gone too far?

Comparisons, rivalry and jealousy are common features of family life, particularly among siblings. Siblings evaluate themselves against one another’s attributes and abilities, and even though sibling rivalry is completely natural, it still might be hurting your daughter’s self-esteem. Parents can help limit sibling jealousy and fighting by paying attention to how they interact with each of their children—and do themselves a favor in the process. After all, what parent doesn’t want a little less sibling rivalry around the house? 

How Parents Can Impact Sibling Rivalry

You’ll be the first to admit that your children each have their unique strengths and weaknesses. Parents see it all firsthand, but oftentimes influence sibling rivalry by verbally comparing their kids to one another. In order to encourage self-esteem in each of your children, it’s best to avoid direct comparisons between them. For example, avoid phrases such as, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Are you sure you don’t want to try out for soccer like your brother?” when talking to your kids. Children always pick up on these comments, subtle or not.

“I can’t stand my older sister, Miss Perfect. She gets straight A’s, does all her chores, and keeps her room neat. So why can’t I be more like her? If I had an answer for that, I’d tell my mom. She must really want to know, because she’s always asking me.”

—Dana, age 12, written to Discovery Girls magazine

 

 

Parents also influence sibling jealousy by treating their children differently, especially in regard to the sports and activities they are involved with, which can unknowingly influence sibling jealousy. When one child in a family is gifted in a certain area, it can leave the other child feeling stuck in the shadows. This can be especially hard if the other child also likes to play the same sport or do the same activity, but feels like she doesn’t get any support because she’s not a superstar like her sibling. Make sure to encourage each child to participate in sports and activities they enjoy, no matter what her skill level.

 “Since I’m the oldest in my family, I was the first to play basketball. I really liked it, but when my sister was old enough to play, she was amazing. My mom and dad were so impressed that I had to get rides from my coach to my games because my mom and dad would only go to my sister’s games. My sister gets to go to basketball camp, but I can’t because it costs too much.”

-Kennedy, age 13, written to Discovery Girls magazine

What Causes Sibling Fighting and What Can a Parent Do About It?

Siblings seem all too eager to give critical feedback regarding each other’s behavior, appearance, social skills, and intelligence. Add to the mix all the individual temperaments and personalities in a family as well as the fact that children are growing quickly and parents often have trouble keeping up with their evolving needs. All of these factors can lead to competition between kids for their parents’ time and attention, and naturally, lead to sibling fighting.

Most experts agree that whenever possible, you should try to let the siblings work things out for themselves. If the kids expect you to always resolve their problems, then they’re not learning the skills of conflict resolution on their own. When you do need to get involved, try to be fair in your assessment of the situation. Be sure to listen to all sides of the story, since taking sides can lead to more sibling rivalry.

“Every time I have a friend over, my little sister barges into my room. If I toss her out, she cries and I get in trouble. My mom says we have to work it out between us, and I’m expected to be the ‘mature’ one—which means my little sister always gets her way. It’s so unfair.”

-Lizzie, age 12, written to Discovery Girls magazine

Instead of immediately giving out punishment, Kidshealth.org encourages parents to separate kids whose fighting is out of control. Give them space and some time to calm down—otherwise, the fight may start right back up again. By giving them a chance to cool off before addressing the issues that got everyone upset, you can turn the fight into a learning experience.

Also, try not to put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight, making both kids partially responsible for sibling fighting. Help teach your kids to peacefully problem-solve through compromise and agreement.

Continued sibling rivalry and fighting can hurt your children’s self-esteem if you foster it instead of fix it. If you make an effort to be fair and treat your kids as unique equals, you will help them value themselves as individuals rather than comparing themselves to their brother or sister. Never label your children as “the smart one” or “the athlete” as this can pigeonhole them into roles they may not want to play, and ultimately cause sibling rivalry to increase.

Click here to request your free report, “Self-Esteem in Tween Girls: How to Help Your Daughter Have Improved Self-Esteem.”