DiscoverYour Daughter

Every time you turn around lately it seems like another one of your friends is getting a boyfriend, boxing up her old stuffed animals, or turning her bathroom sink into a fully-stocked makeup counter. More and more, you’re feeling the pressure…as if everyone were silently saying it’s time you grew up too! You’d rather play board games than study fashion magazines, watch Nick over MTV, and stick with your jeans and T-shirts instead of the hottest new styles…but you sure don’t want to be labeled “immature” either. So what’s a girl to do? Glop on some makeup, text up a storm on your cell, and just fake it till you make it…? No way! If you think you need to act older, think about this: You can make yourself act older, but you can’t force yourself to be more mature. No matter how much makeup a girl puts on, it won’t actually make her grow up any faster.

Growing up is an individual journey. There’s no “one-size-fits-all” way to do it. And by acting older than you feel, you’re acting like someone you’re not. You might impress (and fool!) some people, but hiding who you really are leaves you feeling lonely and empty inside, and besides, it’s hard trying to be someone you’re not! Worse, by rushing into situations you’re not quite ready to handle, you can get your feelings seriously hurt and even put yourself in danger. Yikes! Luckily, you do have one powerful secret weapon: you. Maybe you can’t stop the world from pushing you to grow up too fast, but it can’t make you feel pressured without your permission. So here are four tips to help you grow up at a pace that’s right for you!

“Tell the person who’s pressuring you, ‘Hey, I’m not 16! I am who I am and you can’t change that.’” -Julie, age 11, Pa.

1. Take tiny steps out of your comfort zone.

If you take huge running steps toward growing up—like suddenly showing up at school in full makeup—you’re likely to end up feeling confused about who you are under the makeup. Does that mean you should cling to the past and never try new things? Absolutely not! Just take smaller steps. One example: You’re invited to a party with some cool girls you just met. You like them, but you’re not completely comfortable around them because their interests seem so different from yours. You adore Club Penguin, riding bikes, and Disney movies—but they spend most of their time doing each other’s nails, IM-ing boys, and talking about the latest music videos. Before you decide to go, ask yourself, “Am I going because: (A) I really want to, or (B) I’m too afraid to admit that I’m not really ready to do the things they’re doing?” If the answer is B, wait. If it’s A go for it! But if you end up having no fun at all, you’ll know it’s best to look somewhere else for your really close friendships. Of course, you can stay friendly with these girls—they may be perfectly nice, and there’s not necessarily anything wrong with what they’re doing—they’re just not the best BFFs for you right now. No matter what, take a giant step back from any situation that makes you feel unsafe. Trust your instincts—listen to that little voice in your head that starts yelling “Danger, go back!” when something doesn’t feel right. That voice usually knows what it’s talking about. So what if someone else thinks you’re a baby for saying no? Anyone who gives you a hard time is not a friend, just a bully. You have every right to choose not to do something that makes you uncomfortable.

“When we get pressured, girls lose sight of what really matters. We forget everything but having cool clothes, makeup, and a boyfriend. Instead of trying to accomplish your dreams, you try to accomplish a ‘10’ on the coolness scale.” -Pai, age 12, Pa.

2. Learn to tell the difference between your wishes and other people’s.

Hold on! Do you really want that Abercrombie outfit, an iPhone, a Pandora bracelet…? Forget whether your friends want it. Forget whether you think you should want it. Ask yourself, “Would this really make me happy?” Or do you just “want” it because you figure you’re supposed to—because other people do? The best way to cure yourself of getting hung up on other people’s desires is to remember your dreams. What’s your big, shiny goal? Starting a band with your friends? Your gymnastics team winning the state finals? Write it down. Odds are you don’t have to wonder whether it’s something you really, truly want. You know! Next step: Re-focus on what you really want. For example, instead of begging your mom to take you and your friends to the mall after school, start a pet-sitting business together to save up for band instruments!

“If you’re uncomfortable about doing something, then don’t do it. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t make it right for you. If they’re really your friends, they’ll support your decision.” -Olivia, age 10, Conn.

3. Surround yourself with support, not pressure.

“Why don’t you try out for cheerleading with us?” “When are you going to get a boyfriend too?” Questions like this can drive you crazy, but your friends probably don’t even realize they’re pressuring you. Maybe they just like talking about cheerleading or boys and want to include you. Or maybe they’re confused about their own choices—especially when it comes to boys!—and would feel reassured if you made the same ones. But if your friends really are saying that they think you need to be a cheerleader or need a boyfriend to be cool, then they’re really not acting like such good friends! If you feel pressured by friends, it’s very important that you stand up for yourself. Tell them that you’re glad they’re happy to be on the squad or to have boyfriends (or whatever), but you’re happy with your choices, too. Say that you’d rather make the basketball team this year than try out for cheerleading, or that you just don’t want a boyfriend right now—or whatever the truth is—and that you need them to be okay with that. True friends will listen and be supportive, even if your choices are different from theirs. It also helps to have friends who share your interests. If you’d all rather ride horses or sketch than talk about celebs, you won’t have to explain why you’re not up on what’s going on with the stars this week. Your friends don’t all need to have exactly the same interests and be at exactly the same stage of growing up as you, but they do need to be understanding and let you grow at your own pace.

“I love being a kid! When you grow up, it should be naturally. Besides, it really is fun being a kid and it only happens once. Take your time.” -Haley, age 11, Ariz.

4. Enjoy being who you are right now.

Maybe you’ve given up building forts in the family room or playing dress-up with your siblings. Maybe you’ve packed away all your stuffed animals—even the favorite that you slept with every night. Or maybe you’ve given up watching your favorite TV shows, reading books you still love, or doing crafts or art projects you still enjoy…and all because you’re afraid someone might make fun of you if they find out. It’s not fair, is it? No, it’s not! Besides, you already have enough to worry about: Doing well in school, getting that black belt, taking care of Fluffy…you don’t need to add more stress to your life by trying to grow up too fast! And if you spend every day caught up in the latest drama at school or perfecting your older, more “mature” self, you might miss out on some of the best parts of being a kid. And where’s the fun in that? Remember, there are no absolute timetables for growing up. So be who you are, and enjoy being you! You only have a few years to be young, and once those years slip away, you can’t get them back again. That’s it—they’re gone. Being a kid can be tough sometimes, but it’s a privilege too. Soon you’ll be a teenager, then a young adult, and then an adult, and with each step, you’ll be shouldering more and more responsibilities. So why not stand up for your right to enjoy every minute of being a kid? You’ll be wise beyond your years—and that’s grown-up enough!

Originally printed in Discovery Girls magazine. Share this with your daughter.