DiscoverYour Daughter

As a parent, part of your job is correcting your child's unacceptable behavior. Being "the bad guy" isn't fun, but most parents know it's a role you have to play at least part of the time in order to raise a responsible, caring kid. Sometimes, though, you can end up feeling like all you ever do is nag your kids about the things they're doing wrong—and that's no fun for you or them. Even worse, constant criticism to children can chip away at their self-esteem and confidence and have the opposite effect that you want to have. Instead of encouraging them to improve, you may leave them feeling discouraged and lacking the confidence that they can do better.

Criticism doesn't have to be damaging to a child's self-esteem, however. Here are five ways you can correct your daughter's behavior while building her self-esteem and confidence.

Wrap Criticism to Children with Compliments
When the time comes to correct your daughter, start by telling her about something she does well. Sincere compliments about specific behaviors help boost self-esteem and confidence and help her shape her self-image. Next, discuss the area that needs improvement. For example, you might say, "I love the way you've been helping me around the house lately. Don't forget to make your bed this morning, too." Then, add more sincere praise or a compliment to remind her of her strengths. "You're such a great helper,  I know you'll remember tomorrow."

Keep Your Message Clear
Be as clear and concise as possible when giving constructive criticism to children. If your daughter doesn't understand the criticism, she can't work on improving. It's good to keep the exchange short and to the point, so the message isn't muddled. Spend some time thinking about the best way to deliver your message so that your daughter will understand why it's important for her to modify her behavior and what she can do to make it better.

Of course, it's hard to give clear, concise instruction when you're angry. If you've noticed that you tend to say things you don't mean in the heat of the moment, it might help to step back, calm down, and approach your daughter later—after you've had a chance to think about what you should say.

Avoid Using Labels
Maybe you've heard this before, but it bears repeating: Labels are for cans, not kids. When parents say things like "Why are you so lazy?" or "Cassie is the messy one," we not only make our children feel bad, we tell them exactly what we expect of them—and kids have an amazing capacity for fulfilling our expectations, good or bad. Instead, describe the problem, focusing on the consequences of her behavior and how what she's done makes you feel. For example, when she fails to unload the dishwasher after school, you might say, "I see the dishes haven't been put away. That means I'll have to do it before I can start dinner, which means we'll eat late. It puts me in a bad mood when I have to do your chores after working all day." By focusing on the behavior and the consequences of her actions, you get the message across—but you don't slap on a negative label she'll carry around for years to come.

Offer Your Daughter an Opportunity to Make It Right
After you discuss the mistake, give your daughter a chance to make it right so she learns to take responsibility for her actions. Also, it conveys that you have confidence that she is capable of doing the task correctly, which will help her develop self-esteem and confidence in her own abilities.

DO Deliver the Message
Don't be afraid to correct your daughter when she does something wrong. Setting boundaries and teaching responsibility are among your most important jobs as a parent, and children actually welcome your guidance (although they may not always show it!). But deliver your criticism with understanding, patience, and love. Giving positive, constructive criticism to children isn't always easy, but it's a good opportunity to shape behavior, build respect, and improve your child's self-esteem and confidence.

Click here to request your free report, "Self-Esteem in Tween Girls: How to Help Your Daughter Have Improved Self-Esteem."