DiscoverYour Daughter

When you lose a class election after giving it your best effort, you might feel completely devastated. When your best friend un-invites you to her biggest sleepover ever, it might seem like the end of the world. It’s no fun dealing with disappointment, failure, or rejection—but everyone goes through these things sometime. You can let the bad times keep you down…and run the risk of missing out on the next opportunity to shine or have fun. Or you can bounce back, smarter and stronger than ever…

See Failure as an Opportunity

“I wasn’t doing well in my algebra class. Test day freaked me out and I forgot all the formulas. My mom and I talked to my teacher to get help, and that’s exactly what I got! At the end of each new lesson, my teacher checks to make sure I understand it. Now I get A’s, and my friends even ask me for help!” -Anjali, age 13, Calif.

You’ll face hundreds of challenges in your lifetime; odds are you’ll strike out here and there. But no one can succeed all the time! Usually you have to fail at least a little on the way to doing great things. Thomas Edison tried over 10,000 experiments before he invented the light bulb. Just think: If he’d sulked in his corner mumbling, “I can’t do anything right!” you might be reading this by candle light! That’s not to say you shouldn’t feel frustrated when you don’t reach a goal you set. It’s natural to feel disappointed; you’re only human! Give yourself a little time to feel whatever you need to feel—maybe a day—and then focus on the positive. Make a plan to improve and then get started! Let’s say you love soccer but didn’t make the team this year. If you challenge yourself to practice every day, you just might become the best dribbler in your school…just in time for next season! The sooner you start working your way back from failure, the quicker you’ll move toward your next success.

Don’t Take Rejection Personally

“I asked this girl at my school if she would like to hang out, and she said that she had ‘better’ things to do than to hang out with me. But I realized that I didn’t need her to be happy. I have many other much better friends than her, who actually like to be with me. And they make me feel good!” -Kaitlyn, age 11, Wash.

Sure, you know you don’t have to be friends with everybody, but that doesn’t make it any easier when you get shut down by someone you thought could be a friend. You may start thinking, “Why doesn’t she want to be my friend? Is it something I did?” You might even convince yourself that if you change, she’ll change her mind. But often, it’s not really about you at all! Maybe she’s afraid of branching out into new social groups. Or maybe she has a lot of friends and doesn’t have time to get to know anyone else. Or—if she acted outright mean—maybe she’s feeling bad about herself and hurting your feelings makes her feel better. People will test your confidence all through life. There will be times when a girl won’t want to sit with you or the boy you’re crushing on doesn’t like you back—and it hurts. You can either get down on yourself, or you can put it behind you and move on. It may not be easy to keep your self-confidence when someone puts you down, but you can’t let others decide how you feel about yourself. When you’re feeling low, surround yourself with all the friends and family members who love and appreciate you. Rejection is no fun at all, but surviving it with your self-esteem intact will only make you stronger in the long run.

Turn Lemons into Lemonade

“My mom gave my hair a ‘little trim’ right before I started at my new school. But she accidentally took a huge chunk out of the back and then made it worse by trying to fix it. I was so upset! The next morning, though, I decided to make this horrible haircut work for me. I straightened my hair and pulled my bangs back with a cute headband. At school I told myself to act confident. I smiled and said hello to everyone…and it turned out to be a great day! I even got a compliment or two on my hair!” -Monique, age 12, Calif.

So you don’t totally love your new haircut. Or you really wish you hadn’t slipped while carrying your lunch tray and ended up with spaghetti all over your shirt. When you have a bad day or a not-so-fun experience, it’s natural to wish it never happened. But it did! You can’t undo it, so you might as well figure out a way to make it work for you. Just look at how Monique got compliments for a haircut she thought was horrible! If she’d gone to her new school depressed and miserable over her hair, do you think she would have had a great first day? When something bad or embarrassing happens to you, look for ways to turn it around. So what if the volleyball bounced off your head instead of your arms in gym class? If you show you’re not afraid to laugh at yourself, you just might make some new friends—or at least come away with the respect of your classmates. If your BFF will be gone for a month this summer, focus on all your other great friends, and maybe even start up a new hobby instead of sitting around bored and bummed. When you focus on how you can benefit from a bad situation, you open yourself up to all kinds of new possibilities. With the right attitude, even a “bad day” can lead to something good!

Put Failure into Perspective

“It was a huge honor for me to be chosen to represent my school at the district speech contest. I practiced my speech a million times, and I was so confident I’d win. When I lost, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I had dreamed about it forever, and it all came crashing down. Every night, I cried myself to sleep. Even at school, people began to notice that I wasn’t the enthusiastic, friendly person I usually was. One day, I realized that I shouldn’t have been obsessing about it day and night. I could have done something more productive, instead of crying with my head in my hands. Also, I realized that in life, you’ll lose some things—you can’t win everything. Finally, I realized that there will always be someone a little better than you at something. You can’t control them—you can only control you, to make yourself the best you can be.” -Claire, age 11, Calif.

It can feel like the end of the world if you lose a competition you’ve worked especially hard to prepare for, like the class election or a math competition. You might think you just missed the biggest opportunity of your life, but really it’s just one small setback on the way to your larger goals. There will be other elections and other competitions, and you’ll find plenty of opportunities to shine. Realize, too, that’s there’s value in the work you’ve done—whether it was recognized by an award or not.

Next time you run for office or enter another competition, you’ll benefit from the practice you put in this time. And if you gave it your very best effort, you have every reason to be proud! It’s never easy to push past failure, rejection, or disappointment. But how you deal with these experiences is often more important than the experiences themselves. The way you react says a lot about the kind of person you are. Are you someone who lets one little setback tear you to pieces? Or do you keep going, even when the going gets tough? It’s your choice…but we think you’re the kind of girl who bounces right back. Now…prove us right!

Originally printed in Discovery Girls magazine. Share this with your daughter.