DiscoverYour Daughter

Divorce is hard on the whole family—and, unfortunately, your tween daughter may have a particularly hard time. Her self-esteem and confidence are especially fragile after divorce. As a divorced mom, you might think you have no control over your daughter’s relationship with her dad—after all, you won’t be around when they spend time together. But there are a few things you can do to encourage them to continue in a healthy, close relationship, and doing so will benefit the whole family. Best of all, it’s not as hard as it seems.

Here are some tips to help you encourage your ex and your daughter to maintain a positive relationship after divorce.

Don’t resent her relationship with him.
It’s hard not to let your own feelings toward your ex-husband get in the way, but by allowing your daughter to build a positive relationship with her dad, you’ll not only be doing what’s best for your daughter, you’ll be helping to build her self-esteem and confidence. A father’s relationship with his daughter has a lasting effect on her, and it helps her develop an understanding of herself as a female.

It’s normal for you to have negative feelings toward your ex-husband, but if you talk negatively about him in front of your children, you run the risk of damaging their relationship with him. (Save your venting for your girlfriends!)

Keep him in the loop.
A recent survey by Discovery Girls magazine revealed that 77 percent of tween girls feel comfortable talking to their moms about anything, while only 34 percent said they feel comfortable enough to talk to their dads. Your daughter probably already communicates more with you than with her dad.

You can help bridge the gap. Communicate regularly with your ex-husband about what is going on in your daughter’s life. Tell him about her personal milestones and achievements. You don’t have to reveal her secrets, just keep the lines of communication open so he’ll have the chance to show up and be part of her life. Plus, you’ll be helping to make their time together the best it can be.

Respect her visitation with him.
To help ease the pain that comes with children and divorce, try to make the visitation schedule as comfortable and stress-free as possible. Make visitations easy, on-time, and neutral. Never fight during a visitation transition—if you have something to say to him, call him later when the kids are in bed.

For a tween, visitations with a non-custodial parent can begin to feel like a requirement rather than a fun activity. Be conscientious about not scheduling interesting activities during the time your daughter “has” to be with her father. If she feels she’s missing out on something better going on at home, she may start to resent him, which really isn’t fair to either of them.

And last, clue your ex-husband in on the things she may want to do while she spends time with him. If you have the inside track on her ever-changing interests, don’t keep them to yourself. You’ll all be glad you shared!

Get on the same page.
Although you might not agree on everything, do your best to join with your husband to create similar rules for both homes—especially rules about technology (cell phones and computers), dating, and curfews. Try to set core rules that will apply to her at both homes as she approaches her teen years.

When you have to administer discipline that could cross over into your husband’s visitation time, speak to him in advance to get his cooperation. This will make it easier for him to support and administer the discipline fairly and consistently in his home, too.

Entire books have been written on the subject of children and divorce, and certainly every situation warrants its own assessment. Nevertheless, these tips will give you a starting point for promoting a strong, close relationship between your daughter and her father after divorce. By following them, you can have a long-lasting, positive effect on her self-esteem and confidence.

Click here to request your free report, “Self-Esteem in Tween Girls: How to Help Your Daughter Have Improved Self-Esteem.”