DiscoverYour Daughter

Here are 10 common phrases to strike from your vocabulary today.

Your tween daughter’s self-esteem is a fragile thing as she grows from a child into a teenager. With a changing body, higher expectations, and more complicated relationships and emotions to deal with, it’s no wonder her confidence can sink! What a lot of parents don’t consider, though, is that seemingly innocent phrases can have a detrimental impact on their daughter’s already delicate sense of worth. Here are 10 common phrases to strike from your vocabulary today in order to build confidence in your daughter—instead of tearing it down.

1. “You’ll grow out of it.” When your daughter is unhappy about a certain part of her body or a personality trait she possesses, the easiest thing to do is to assure her that it’s only temporary. But the truth is, that might not be the case. Some hereditary attributes are here to stay, so it’s important to encourage your daughter to be happy with herself now, just the way she is. Telling her she’ll grow out of it will only prolong her feelings of discontent as she waits for the magical “change” to happen.

2. “Why can’t you be more like your sister (or brother)?” One thing a parent notices the day they bring their second child home from the hospital is that the second is always different from the first! From temperament to looks, two kids are each unique. As your kids grow, their differences may become even more obvious, but in order to encourage positive self-esteem in each of your children, it’s best to avoid comparing them to each other. If one is excellent academically and the other excels at sports, promote each of them individually in the things he or she does best. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t encourage your sports star to do her best in school, but do so by complimenting her own abilities, rather than comparing her to her whiz-kid sibling. Not only will this help build confidence in your daughter, it’ll reduce competition between her and her sib—which means you’ll be listening to fewer fights. A win-win situation

3. “I need to go on a diet.” In a recent survey by Discovery Girls, more than 50% of girls said they have parents who are worried about their own weight. A common mistake made by moms and dads is turning their own self-image issues into a family-wide issue. Don’t let your body image problems encourage similar problems in your daughter—this can lead to lower self-esteem, and in extreme cases, eating disorders. You still can—and should—address your weight problems if you need to, just make sure you focus your self-improvement on health and wellness rather than obsessing about being “fat.” This will teach your daughter that what’s important is on the inside, not the outside!

4. “Good girl!” or “You’re the best!” These phrases may sound completely harmless, but they can actually be damaging to self-esteem because of what they might imply to your daughter. To call her a “good girl” when she’s pleasing you might leave her thinking that she’s a bad girl when she’s not. And of course you think your daughter is the best thing since sliced bread (what parent doesn’t?), but to call her the “best” at times can leave her feeling like she’s the worst when she messes up. Plus, these comments can create pressure to be perfect—which is an expectation no child can meet. Instead, build her confidence by complimenting what she does well with specific praise. For example:

“I’m proud of the way you worked so hard to bring up your grade in math!”

“You were such a great team player during your soccer game. I can’t believe how many goals you assisted!”

“I loved the way you talked to your sister about that problem she was having with her friends. You really encouraged her.”

5. “Get over it!” Sometimes tween angst can get really old, but it’s important not to discount your daughter’s feelings, even if you think they’re silly. What your daughter is going through is important to her. By suggesting that her emotions are something she should simply “get over,” you’re sending her the message that she’s not particularly important to you—a sure-fire way to lower her self-esteem. Plus, discounting the seriousness of her daily issues is a risky approach if your ultimate goal is to foster communication with her. A recent Discovery Girls survey revealed that 77% of tween girls feel comfortable talking to their moms about anything. Keep her confiding in you as she grows into a teenager by choosing words such as, “I’m sorry, that must have really hurt you,” and “I can see that made you angry” instead of dismissing her feelings with “Get over it.”

6. “You don’t know what real love is.” While it’s true that your 10-year-old daughter probably doesn’t fully understand the complexities of a relationship between a man and a woman, she’s been learning what love feels like since the day she was born—from you! Hopefully she’s learned that love feels like protection, kindness, encouragement and warmth. She may have also learned that sometimes love hurts, isn’t always perfect, and doesn’t always meet every expectation. If she is struggling with any of these emotions, build confidence and encourage openness by acknowledging her feelings instead of putting them down. You’ll take a major step toward building a great line of communication between you and your daughter.

7. “Life is hard.” or “That’s Life.” Saying such an absolute and negative phrase can make your daughter feel hopeless. Instead, consider hard times an opportunity to teach your daughter ways to cope with difficult situations. Resiliency is a wonderful trait for girls to possess throughout their lives, because let’s face it, life is hard at times. But it’s never impossible. Whether you glean your hope from religious faith, self-empowerment or positive thinking, this is a great chance to share your philosophy with your daughter.

8. “You call that music?” Remember when your parents said this about your music? Whether they were disapproving of John Travolta’s sexy hips in Saturday Night Fever or shocked at the lyrics of 80’s hair band Poison, their condemnation drove a wedge between your generation and theirs. Poking fun at the music they enjoy only makes you seem out of touch and out of reach. In fact, making fun of them about anything they enjoy can be damaging to their self-esteem (and your relationship). Instead, build self-confidence in her by giving credit to her opinions, even when they differ from yours.

9. “You don’t know what stress is.” Implying that your problems are bigger than your daughter’s can be detrimental on two levels. First, what your daughter might hear is that what she’s going through isn’t important—or at least not as important as whatever you’re going through. Pretty soon your daughter may start to feel like a less important member of the family, with less important feelings and a less important life. Second, this phrase indicates that you do know what stress is, and you have a whole heap of it! Believe it or not, our kids worry about us. When we talk about our stress, such as financial worries, job concerns, and dissatisfaction with our friends, spouse or family, we open them up to share our worry. But they are, after all, still just kids and not yet mature enough to handle it all…so keep the stress to yourself!

10. “Have you gained weight?” or “You’re looking a bit chubby.” Childhood obesity is a growing problem in the United States, and parents everywhere are struggling with how to deal with it. If you’re concerned about your daughter’s weight, pointing it out to her in the wrong way can set her up with self-esteem issues for life. But ignoring it altogether is not a healthy solution either. Instead, consider how you can encourage more physical activity in your family, have healthier meals together, educate yourself and your kids about making healthy choices, and encourage open dialogue about health and wellness. Taking these steps within your family will hopefully encourage your daughter to maintain a healthy weight the right way! You may expect to encounter resistance from your kids, but a Discovery Girls survey recently revealed that 82% of girls actually wish their families would do more to help them eat healthy and exercise more. And by focusing on developing healthy habits rather than her weight, you’ll reduce the chance that she’ll be dealing with eating disorders down the road.

If any of these 10 phrases have escaped your lips, don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, vow today to start talking to your tween daughter in ways that will make her bloom instead of whither. By choosing words that tell your daughter that you respect her thoughts, feelings and choices, you’ll build confidence and strength that will last her a lifetime.

Click here to request your free report, “Self-Esteem in Tween Girls: How to Help Your Daughter Have Improved Self-Esteem.”