DiscoverYour Daughter

As parents watch their daughter grow into adolescence, it’s not uncommon to notice that her friends seem to be more and more influential in her life than they were just a few years before. In fact, according to a recent Discovery Girls’ survey, 95% of girls say their close friends help her in building self-confidence. This is great news for parents who are watching their daughters grow in healthy friendships, but what do you do when your daughter isn’t so lucky and ends up with mean friends instead? First of all, don’t panic. We’ve got you covered…

Tip #1: Understand the way her friends influence and affect her.

The role of friends in a child’s life grows with age. There is a sudden urgency, especially in girls in grades four through six, to know where they stand in friendships at all times. “They’re friends one day and not the next and their friendships have different levels,” says Mary Pat McCartney, elementary-level vice president of the American School Counselors Association. “Being friends isn’t enough. It’s more like: ‘Okay, we’re friends but exactly how much do you like me?’”

Girls at this age are making the shift from complete dependence on their parents to dependence on their friends. In fact, a recent Discovery Girls’ survey showed that 54% of tween girls say their friends help them feel better when things don’t go their way, but only 24% said their parents do. So as her friends become more and more important, it’s important for you to understand the way these friendships work.

Tip #2: Take the time to explain to her what an unhealthy friendship is.

Mean friends are easy to spot, especially if your daughter knows the qualities to look for. Don’t underestimate the value of talking to her about what an unhealthy friendship and a mean friend might look like. Teach her that:

• Good friends do NOT gossip about each other.
• Good friends do NOT tell you who else you can be friends with.
• Good friends do NOT tell you to break the law, your family rules, or school rules.
• Good friends do NOT insult you (such as by saying, “You’re ugly,” or “You’re fat”).
• Good friends take turns deciding what activities they will do together. In other words, in good friendships there is mutual respect and mutual leadership.

You can also encourage your daughter to read “When Friends Attack” from Discovery Girls magazine, a great article on how to handle mean friends.

Tip #3: Take care when trying to keep your daughter away from mean friends.

As a mom, your obvious goal in removing mean friends from your daughter’s life is building self-confidence in her. Therefore, if your daughter is in an unhealthy friendship, think twice before simply forbidding her from seeing the mean friend. Instead, coach your daughter to make her own choice about the friendship. Use the list above to help her understand the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy friendship. This can be a great opportunity for her to learn to solve friendship problems herself, which will boost her confidence and encourage her independence. 

Instead of simply ripping her out of a relationship with a mean friend, also encourage her to branch out and make new friends. Sign her up for extracurricular activities or after-school clubs. Teach your daughter to be a friendship finder, not a friendship receiver, which may include helping her overcome her shyness.

The most important thing you can do is trust your own instincts as a mom or dad. The efforts you’ve put forth in building self-confidence in your daughter won’t be knocked down by a single unhealthy friendship, and by teaching her how to identify it as negative herself, you’ll be giving her skills that will last a lifetime.

Click here to request your free report, “Self-Esteem in Tween Girls: How to Help Your Daughter Have Improved Self-Esteem.”