DiscoverYour Daughter

Shyness can be a symptom of low self-esteem. As a parent, here’s what you can do to help.

Some girls are naturally outgoing and gregarious, most girls a little less so, but some girls struggle with shyness so excessive that it interferes with their ability to make friends and join in activities with their peers. Shyness that runs this deep can actually be a symptom of low self-esteem, and it can rob your daughter of many fun and exciting opportunities in her life. As a parent, it’s painful to watch your daughter struggle with these kinds of feelings, but there are things you can do to help. Check out these five confidence-boosting tips to help your daughter to be less shy.

1. Don’t label your daughter as shy.
Dr. John Malouff of the University of New England in Armidale, Australia warns that children who are told that they are shy tend to start thinking of themselves as shy and then fulfill the role, without making any effort to change. Instead of labeling your daughter as shy, choose an alternative way to describe her behavior. For example, when Great-Aunt Mildred comments on her reticence, just say she”takes a while to warm up to people she’s not familiar with.

2. Identify when your daughter acts shy—and learn why.
Girls are often shy at different times for different reasons. Taking the time to understand which situations bring out her shyness means you can then identify the special skills she might need to be more at ease in those situations. For example, if your daughter is shy when speaking in front of the class, you can help control her anxiety before her next big speech by making sure she is prepared and rehearsed, and that she understands the material she is presenting. Or if she’s shy around girls she doesn’t know and is invited to an upcoming birthday party, encourage your daughter to invite one of the girls over to your house some afternoon before the party. That way, she can get to know the girl one-on-one, in your home where your daughter is more comfortable, rather than in a large group at the party. The extra time you spend helping your daughter feel more comfortable will be confidence-boosting, too!

3. Be a role model of confident behavior.
Take your daughter with you in your social situations so that you can model confident behavior. Here are some tips: Say hello and introduce yourself to people you don’t know. Smile often. Stand up straight, be friendly, and greet people as you walk by. Offer to help others when they need it. Make positive comments about what you did such as, “That was fun!” and “‘m so glad I went.” Model conversation techniques such as asking “how” and “why” questions. Seeing these behaviors in you will help your daughter as she starts gaining confidence of her own and will start her out on the right foot.

4. Teach tolerance and respect for others and herself.
When a shy girl hears her parents criticizing others, she believes that is what people do, and then often concludes that’s what people are doing to her. Instead of criticizing or pointing out what is wrong with people, compliment them in front of your daughter. If someone disappoints you, talk about the behavior that let you down instead of labeling the person. By teaching her to be tolerant of others’ shortcomings, you’ll also be teaching her to be tolerant of herself.

5. Help your daughter handle her emotions maturely.
Help your daughter to be less shy by encouraging her to find her own solutions to problems, and reward her when she takes steps to make things better, even if they don’t work out perfectly. Avoid comforting every little upset your child experiences, and instead work on helping her cope with her own disappointments. This can be a very confidence boosting. The Center for Effective Parenting says overprotective parents can actually cause their daughters to be shy since “Children who are overprotected by their parents often don’t have the opportunity to be independent socially. Because of this, these children often lack the confidence needed to make decisions for themselves. Such children are often insecure, which can then cause shyness.”

Perhaps the most effective way to help your daughter to be less shy is to talk openly with her about her shyness and how to overcome it. For great tips on making friends and getting along with people, encourage her to read “How to be More Likeable”. And last but not least, start small and take it slow as she begins gaining confidence.

Click here to request your free report, “Self-Esteem in Tween Girls: How to Help Your Daughter Have Improved Self-Esteem.”