DiscoverYour Daughter

Although the signs of an unhealthy friendship may not always obvious to parents, it’s a good idea to be on the watch for them. Friends can have a great deal of influence on children’s self-esteem. A recent survey by Discovery Girls magazine found that 54 percent of tween girls say their friends help them feel better when things don’t go their way. Of course, if good friends can have such a positive impact, bad friends surely have a negative impact. That’s why it’s important for you, as a parent, to know the traits of a “bad best friend,” so you can step in to help if you see your daughter’s self-esteem start to waver.

10 Traits of a Bad Best Friend

1.She always takes the starring role.
Maybe you notice your daughter’s friend always wants to be the “queen” while your daughter gets to act like her servant—whether they’re playing make-believe or just hanging out. Or perhaps the friend always gets to play with the best games or gadgets while your daughter settles for the leftovers. This kind of bad best friend behavior is hazardous to your daughter’s sense of independence and self-worth because it teaches your daughter that her feelings and needs are always less important than her friend’s.

2. She excludes your daughter.
If your daughter’s best friend doesn’t treat her like a best friend, your daughter may start like she’s the one at fault—and that can be a real self-esteem killer. For tweens, being left out or rejected by peers can be difficult; to feel rejected by a best friend is devastating. If your daughter’s “best friend” doesn’t invite your daughter to her party, or if she repeatedly chooses other friends over your daughter, your daughter needs help reevaluating the friendship. Either she has misread the other girl’s interest in their friendship, or the other girl is more frenemy than friend.

3. She talks behind your daughter’s back or tells lies.
A bad best friend will often show it by being two-faced, perhaps talking about your daughter behind her back. Also, she may show a lack of respect for your daughter by lying to her.

4. She blames your daughter (or lets her take the fall) for something that your daughter didn’t do.
No doubt your daughter thinks she values loyalty and honesty in her friendships, but she may feel that her sense of loyalty demands that she protect her friend, even to the point that she’ll take the blame for things she didn’t do.

5. She’s jealous of your daughter’s other friendships.
If your daughter’s BFF wants your daughter all to herself and shows jealousy or anger when your daughter spends time with others, it’s a big flashing warning sign that the friendship is unhealthy. A bad best friend might crowd your daughter, come over too often, and seem to have no other friends. Although it’s common for best friends to want to spend a lot of time together, it’s important for your daughter to have other friends, too. Plus, being too dependent on one friend can set your daughter up for disappointment if that friend moves away or just moves on to other friends—something that happens often at this age.

6. She’s critical of your daughter and of other girls.
Being criticized by her best friend for the way she looks or dresses can damage your daughter’s self-esteem, even to the point that she may begin to question her own identity. Perhaps worse, hearing their friends constantly criticize others can make children believe that everyone is always so critical of other people—and therefore, of them, too. As a result, they become overly self-conscience and too critical of themselves, which in turn can hurt children’s self-esteem.

7. She frequently ditches your daughter for other friends.
If your daughter’s best friend often stands her up for play dates or outings or frequently cancels plans because she would rather do something with a different friend, she’s doing more than hurting your daughter’s feelings. She’s showing your daughter that she isn’t important, which can damage your daughter’s self-esteem.

8. She uses your daughter.
Maybe she gets better grades by copying off your daughter’s papers, or by partnering with her on projects but not doing her share of the work. Or maybe she only pretends to be best friends with your daughter to get closer to another girl or boy, to borrow your daughter’s cool stuff, or to raise her social status.

9. She discourages your daughter from doing the things she likes to do.
A bad best friend might show it by putting down your daughter’s favorite activities or sports, even to the point that your daughter wants to quit an activity she really likes. Since children’s self-esteem is often linked to sports and other activities that they are good at (for more information, read “5 Ways Sports Are Empowering Girls and Building Self-Esteem”), your daughter will be losing out in more ways than one. Not only will her self-esteem fall if she believes her friend’s negative assessment of the activity she used to love (“If softball is dorky, then I must be a dork”), she’ll no longer be learning skills that give her self-confidence.

10. She encourages your daughter to make bad choices.
Does your daughter always seem to make poor choices when she’s been hanging around her best friend? If you often catch your daughter lying, disobeying, stealing, being disrespectful, or getting bad grades when she’s with her best friend, there’s definitely a cause for concern—and you don’t need us to tell you this is a major red flag!

While it’s unlikely that your daughter’s BFF is showing all 10 of these traits, if you’re aware of one or more, you should see them as red flags that the friendship could be damaging your daughter’s self-esteem.

Even if it’s obvious to you that your daughter’s friend is bad news, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should make your daughter end her friendship. “No one can teach you what a great friend is, what a fair-weather friend is, what a treacherous and betraying friend is except to have a great friend, a fair-weather friend or a treacherous and betraying friend,” Michael Thompson, a psychologist and author of the book Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children, recently told The New York Times. Girls may learn a great deal from their bad best friend experiences, even if they are painful.

To help your daughter learn the difference between a healthy friendship and an unhealthy one, ask her what qualities she values in a friend. Talk her through various scenarios—without naming her bad friend or pointing fingers. What advice would she give to her little sister, if the sister had a friend who often put her down or left her out?

(Of course, if your daughter’s friendship is particularly damaging or causes her to harm herself or others, ending the friendship might be the best course of action.)

You can’t choose your daughter’s friends for her, but you can help her see that good friends won’t make her feel bad about herself, and you can help build her self-esteem so she won’t think she has to settle for friends that don’t treat her with kindness and respect. For more on this topic, read “Are Your Daughter’s Friends Bringing Her Down”.

Click here to request your free report, “Self-Esteem in Tween Girls: How to Help Your Daughter Have Improved Self-Esteem.”