DiscoverYour Daughter

The kind of girl who makes friends easily and that other people look up to. And sometimes you’re sure you can be that girl…but other times a voice in your head keeps getting in your way. You know the one. It tells you you’re stupid, untalented, lazy, ugly, fat, or just plain bad at everything. It compares you to other girls and says you’re not as good as they are. It makes you feel sad, miserable, and jealous. But you don’t have to go there, because there is another way.  “I look at all the popular girls at school and think, They’re so perfect. I’ll never be like them. I’m such a loser.” I get so jealous, and then I hate myself for being jealous. Loser! “People tell me that I do really well, but deep down inside, I’m thinking, You’re really stupid! Look at her—she can do that so much better! You’re so stupid! When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a person who can’t do anything well.” You have this image in your head of the way you want to be: strong, brave, confident. The kind of girl who makes friends easily and that other people look up to. And sometimes you’re sure you can be that girl…but other times a voice in your head keeps getting in your way. You know the one. It tells you you’re stupid, untalented, lazy, ugly, fat, or just plain bad at everything. It compares you to other girls and says you’re not as good as they are. It makes you feel sad, miserable, and jealous. But you don’t have to go there, because there is another way.

Silencing the Voices

The next time you start beating up on yourself about something, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Let’s say you just took a huge math test, and although you thought you’d do okay, you end up with a D. You spend the night in your room, crying. I’m just a big failure, you think. I’m such an idiot. Ask yourself what’s behind your mean thoughts. Are you upset because you don’t understand what’s going on in class and you’re afraid of falling farther behind? Do you understand the material but worry that this test grade means a bad grade on your report card? Are you scared you’ve let your parents down? Or maybe your best friend has really blossomed this year. She turned beautiful practically overnight, she’s a basketball star, she won first place at the school talent show for playing her guitar, and her crush likes her back. She’s still your BFF, but suddenly the popular kids think are asking her to hang out. I’ll never be like her, you think. I’m ugly and untalented and no one likes me. Again, think things through—what’s really behind your mean thoughts? Are you afraid you’ll lose your friend? Are you jealous? (Of course you are—who wouldn’t be?) Are you scared that good things happening to her mean there are fewer good things out there for you?

Once you’ve gotten at what’s really behind the voice, you can start problem solving. If you don’t understand what’s going on in math class, you can talk to your teacher about getting help—or about doing extra credit, if it’s just a matter of grades. If you’re worried about your parents, you can talk to them about their expectations, and what you’re doing to make things better. If you’re beating yourself up because your best friend has blossomed, you can stop focusing on your jealousy over all the great things that have happened to her and start focusing on what you need to do get what you want in life. Maybe you wish you had a talent that people admired. If so, well…what are you interested in? What do you love to do? You won’t find out if you’re busy telling yourself you’re no good at anything, that’s for sure.

Maybe, though, you’re getting hung up on things you can’t change. What if you think your nose is too small or too big, or you hate your freckles or your hair or the fact that you’re taller…or smaller, or more developed, or less developed (whatever!) than you would be if you were “perfect”? If that’s the case, ask yourself this: “Do I really deserve to feel bad about something I can’t control?” The answer, by the way, is no—because you don’t! No matter how motivated you are to banish that mean voice, you won’t get rid of it in a day or a week. And even after a month or longer, you might slip back into old patterns at times. That’s okay. Changing the voice is like changing any other bad habit—it takes time. Just keep working at it, and over time you’ll hear it less and less. And if sometimes, in spite of your efforts, you still can’t drown out that chorus of “I’m no good,” ask yourself this: How well is this working for me? What am I getting out of it? Does it motivate me to make things better? If it does, well…um, fine. (We just can’t imagine how that could possibly be!) But if it doesn’t, go right back to your new strategies—the ones that help you become that strong, brave, confident girl you want to be. Because you know she’s there inside you. Don’t let the mean voices stop her from coming out!

4 Ways to Silence the Mean Voices

1. Work on specific goals. If there are things you’d like to change about yourself—like eating fewer cheese fries, getting more exercise, raising your grades—get on it! When you feel bad, it’s because you’re not doing anything to change the things you don’t like. But every time you meet a goal you’ve set, your self-esteem will soar.
2. Be your own best friend. Let’s say you didn’t make the soccer team. What would you tell your friend if she were in your shoes? Probably something like, “It’s great that you got out there and tried! You love soccer—just keep practicing and you’ll do better next time!” So why not encouraging yourself the same way? Instead of beating yourself up yourself for not making it, give yourself credit for the effort you made.
3. Give up the comparison game. You know this game: “She’s prettier than me…she’s so much smarter…” And since there will always be someone smarter, prettier, or just luckier than you, you will always lose. Why play, then? You’re only setting yourself up for defeat. Instead, work on making you better than before—because that’s a game you can win.
4. Give yourself permission to fail. Somewhere along the line, you decided that it’s a catastrophe if you don’t do everything perfectly. With that mindset, you’ll probably hold back from trying new things, since no one can become an instant concert pianist or learn to speak French overnight. No one’s good at something the first time they do it. If you start out knowing that failure is just part of the process, you’ll have no reason to get down on yourself up if things don’t go perfectly.

Originally printed in Discovery Girls magazine. Share this with your daughter.