DiscoverYour Daughter

Call it basic geometry, middle-school style. Take two best friends, add one new friend, and you’re bound to end up with a problematic triangle. Why? Because almost any time a girl adds a new friend to her life, her old best bud is bound to feel a bit jealous. And whether you’re the BFF with a new friend, the BFF who feels like she’s lost a friend or Miss New Friend herself, you may feel totally stumped when it comes to dealing with the situation. But get ready to ace that final exam anyway, because we’re here to help all three of you…

When You’re the BFF Who’s Jealous

Ever since your BFF started hanging out with that new girl, you’ve been feeling scared, worried, and more than a little rejected. Just hearing them crack each other up in the caf makes your stomach hurt. How do they have so many inside jokes already? you think. So…what can you do to feel better about this friendship?

1. Open up. Even though jealousy is perfectly normal, most girls shy away from admitting to theirs. It’s embarrassing (and scary!) to say, “You know, it’s hard for me to watch you make a new friend. Part of me feels jealous and worried that I’m being replaced.” But owning up to your jealousy is the first step to getting over it. Don’t be surprised if the instant you get it out in the open, your jealousy shrinks by half. Keep in mind that while expressing how you feel is okay, accusing and attacking people isn’t. In fact, if you’ve said something unkind like, “I can’t believe you stole my friend!” now would be a good time to apologize—to both of them, if necessary. Finally, assure your BFF that (despite any jealousy) you still think it’s good for her to have other friends, and you look forward to getting to know her new pal yourself. Odds are she’ll be relieved to hear this, and a good chunk of the tension between you will shrivel up and disappear.

2. Don’t try to compete. When you’re jealous, you’re always sizing up the “competition,” comparing yourself to your “opponent” as if friendship were a contest. But treating the other girl like a rival is a terrible mistake. It guarantees you will never feel relaxed around each other…and puts unfair pressure on your BFF to choose between you. Instead of stewing over comparisons like, “But I’ve known her longer,” or “That girl’s probably cooler than I am,” stop weighing your friendship’s worth against hers. Your friend likes both of you, and that means you’ve both already won.

“I always felt my blood boil when Thai, my best friend, talked about going to concerts with her other best friend, Maddy. I’m sure Thai doesn’t really think that Maddy is more fun and a better person than me, but that’s how it sounds. I don’t tell Thai to stop talking about Maddy, but I do remind myself that I’m just as good of a friend to Thai as Maddy is. Thai and I have our own laughs and have fun, too.” -India, age 12, Mich.

When You’re the New Friend

Finally, you made a fabulous new friend at school—but her pals are acting like you stole her from them! They’ve marked you as Public Enemy #1, and now they’re trying to tear your new friendship apart. Now what do you do? (Other than just back away slowly and start all over with another friend?)

1. Stay cool. Even if someone accuses you of being a friend-stealing, drama-starting jerk, try not to take it personally. She sees you as a threat to her friendship, but—unless you set out to make her jealous on purpose—you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s not a crime to be friends with someone’s else friend. Put away the guilt. She’s the one making a mistake here. Likewise, just because she’s hurt and lashing out at you (the person she thinks caused it all), that doesn’t mean you have to strike back at her. Sure, it would feel momentarily satisfying to snap, “I didn’t steal your friend, she just likes me better!” But that will only make her more jealous and upset…and confirm that you’re her enemy. Of course, you don’t have to stand there and say nothing while she’s nasty to you. You can tell her she’s wrong—just stay as calm (and as kind) as you can. And skip the gossip to all your other friends about how “crazy” her jealousy is. If you have to let off steam, talk to an adult or a friend from a different school who doesn’t know her.

2. Reach out to The Jealous One. So far she only thinks of you as “Lacey’s new friend” or “that girl who’s always hogging Lacey.” So give her a chance to get to know you as you…without your mutual pal around. Tag her to be your badminton partner in P.E. Invite her over to watch TV while your friend’s at creative writing club. As for those times when the three of you are together, make a point of talking to her as much as you talk to your friend…or even more. If you keep making it plain that you’d like to be friends, not enemies, your patience will pay off.

“Last year my friend Melony got mad and said that I took her place as Mallory’s BFF. She also said she liked it when I am sick and not at school. That was definitely jealousy. ” -Megan, age 12, Ohio

When You’re the BFF Who Has a New Friend

Ever since your swim-camp buddy Heidi switched to your school, your best friend has been acting more possessive than a mamma grizzly bear. She was downright mean to Heidi from day one, and now she’s demanding you choose between them! You’d hate to lose a friend over jealousy…but how can you save both friendships?

1. Don’t fan the flames…You’re excited about your new friendship. That’s understandable…but what kind of message are you sending your BFF when you don’t text her back all weekend because you’re playing Guitar Hero III at Heidi’s house? How much have you gushed in the past week about how cute Heidi’s puppy is, how awesome her hair looks, how smart and talented and perfect she is? If your friend was already feeling jealous, it’s easy to see how this might have confirmed her fears that you like Heidi better. Send her some loud, clear signals ASAP that you think she’s just as cool. For example, make plans to hang out just with her (and not only when New Friend is home sick). Your sensitivity now can help assure her that this new friendship won’t destroy the one you share with her.

2. …but never give up a friendship just because someone is feeling jealous. Yes, your friend is going through a tough time with jealousy and yes, she’s hurting. But it still doesn’t give her the right to be rude to your friends or to tell you who you can hang out with. Gently make it clear that you aren’t going to end any friendships just because she said so. It’s normal and healthy to want to be friends with lots of people. If she absolutely can’t bear to share you, then (sad as it is) she doesn’t get to keep you as a friend. A truly possessive BFF can be poisonous, stopping you from getting to know cool new people and curbing your fun. Luckily, most friends get over their jealousy when they understand that you’re still there for them. In fact, once you get past those first few arguments or awkward lunches, chances are 2 BFFs + 1 New Friend will equal 3 BFFs. And what could be better than that?

“When my new neighbor and I became friends, one of my other friends got jealous. Whenever I was busy, she’d always say, ‘What? Are you hanging out with your new best friend like always?” She became very annoying. This began to break me and my new friend apart. After a couple of arguments, though, we realized that we could work it out and all be friends. We are all very close now and have a lot of fun memories together.” -Melissa, age 12, Mich.

Originally printed in Discovery Girls magazine. Share this with your daughter.