DiscoverYour Daughter

The instant you met, you were sure she was BFF material. But as much as you like her, lately something is holding you back from getting closer to her. Maybe it was that weird comment she made—the one that felt kind of like an insult. Or maybe it was the time she promised to help you make posters for the school play…and then backed out at the last minute. You’re not sure you should trust her…but what if she’s really a true friend and you’re just reading way too much into these things? No one but you can decide if your new friend is the real deal…but we can help. Where to start? Consider the answers to these six questions…

1. Can you be yourself around her? Or do you feel guarded, like you have to pick your words carefully, suck in your stomach, and bite back your goofy sense of humor? Everyone feels a bit nervous at the start of a new friendship, but once you’ve hung out a few times, you should be feeling more at ease with letting her see the real you—opinions, warts, and all. After all, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you said something embarrassing or disagreed with her? Are you afraid she might judge you or stop being your friend? And if she would…well, you truly have nothing to lose, because she was never really your friend in the first place! So the next time you’re with her, challenge yourself—and her—to prove you have nothing to worry about.

2. Does she lift you up? Good friends have the magical ability to inspire you and build up your confidence. They always see the best in you, so you start seeing it too. In the same way, a friend who’s constantly competing with you or putting you down can make you super-aware of your flaws. Who needs that?! You deserve friends who believe in you, support your dreams, and encourage you to be your best self. Let’s get one thing straight, though: Just because you feel down on yourself sometimes doesn’t mean she’s necessarily at fault. Everyone suffers from the “I’m-not-good-enoughs” at times, and watching a friend succeed in an area where you’re struggling can sharpen the sting. So if the simple fact that she got an A in math is making you hate yourself, the answer is to get a tutor, not lose the friendship.

3. How does she treat other people? Maybe she treats you like a VIP, but how does she treat your little sister, the school custodian, or that shy new boy from China? If your friend has a habit of being mean to others, watch out. Sure, at first it might make you feel special to know that a girl who doesn’t reach out to “just anyone” picked you as a friend. But even if you make every effort to stay on her good side, chances are that one day she’ll be mean to you, too. Worse, a mean friend can keep you from making nicer friends because people who want to avoid her drama may end up avoiding you, too. Think of it this way: A friend who’s nice to everyone doesn’t have low standards for people; she has high standards for kindness. It’s a real compliment when someone who’s genuinely nice chooses you to be her friend.

4. Is she a giver…or does she just take, take, take? When you have a rough week, does she listen to your problems as generously as you listen to hers…or does she instantly change the subject so the conversation always focuses on her? Real friendship is based on give and take. Whether it’s helping her cram for a final, lending her your favorite DVD, or cheering her up with funny IM-s when she’s out sick, true friends give freely and trust that it will all even out in the end. If you feel like you’re the only one giving, make sure you’re asking clearly for what you need. You might say something like, “Hey, I’m having a hard time in French. Could we go over my flashcards for a few minutes at lunch?” If she’s always backing out of helping you, you might want to start backing away from her.

5. Does she share the stage with you? If you two started a blog together, would she listen to your ideas on what to post, or just roll her eyes and insist on doing it her way? If you planned to meet at lunch, would she show up on time…or make you wait while she chatted for 10 minutes with other friends? Everybody likes to be the star of the show and have things her own way. But when you’re friends, you agree to share the stage as equals. That means listening, respecting each other, and, sometimes, making compromises. So if you find yourself feeling like a minor character on her show, speak up and express your views. A true friend will welcome you into the spotlight.

6. Can you trust her? A loyal friend is one who acts like your friend (not your enemy) no matter who she’s talking to…even when you’re not in the room. In other words, she wouldn’t say mean things about you to her other pals, spread rumors behind your back, or make a cruel joke about you to impress a popular boy. In any new friendship, it takes time to build up trust. Until she’s proved herself, go slow. You can still have fun together, but don’t spill all your secrets to her just yet. (By the way, loyalty doesn’t mean you must cling to each other at all times, share a brain, or like and dislike all the same things!)

No friendship is perfect—bad moods and misunderstandings happen to the best of us. But overall, a true friend makes you feel happy, understood, and liked for who you are. If your new friend doesn’t, go slow. Be especially careful about sharing your secrets, and spend some time with other people. You deserve first-rate, true-blue friends, so don’t settle for anything less!

Originally printed in Discovery Girls magazine. Share this with your daughter.