DiscoverYour Daughter

Maybe you’ve moved to a new town or switched schools. Or maybe your BFF has moved away. Or maybe you’re just tired of the same old gang. Whatever the reason, you’d love to make new friends…if only the thought of meeting people didn’t make your stomach feel like a washing machine on the spin cycle! Want to know how to chill out, bust down walls, and be a confident friend-finder? We can help, with seven easy steps…

Step 1: Change your mental music.

It’s easy to get so freaked out about being in a new situation that you start throwing off don’t-come-near-me signals. And guess what? It works—people don’t come near you! Instead, change your vibe with some positive thinking. Tell yourself “It’ll be great to get to know someone new,” or “I can’t wait to hear what these girls have to say,” or “My old BFF will be so proud that I’m doing this!” Even if you’re psyched when you walk out the door, being in a new situation with new people is hard. If you find yourself slipping back into a negative “I’ll-never-make-new-friends” tune, just switch right back to the positive-thinking track. Remember, what you’re thinking affects the way you stand, smile, and walk. So make sure your thoughts reflect the happy, upbeat, you—because that’s the girl everyone will want to meet!

Step 2: Open your eyes and put on some shoes…someone else’s, that is.

When you’re nervous, it’s easy to get so caught up in your own situation that you forget about others. Look around you. Does anyone else look scared? Shy? Uncomfortable? Chances are, she’s also new—and just as uncomfortable as you are. Just knowing you’re not the only one can help you feel more confident. And if you muster up the courage to go say hi, you’ll both feel better!

Step 3: Remember, the eyes have it.

The first place we look when we’re uncomfortable is at the floor. It’s safer that way, right? No one can tell if we’re embarrassed, we can’t tell if anyone is looking at us, people won’t know if we’re interested in…whoa! Not a good way to meet people! Holding your head up and making eye contact is a bold move. It’s confident and sassy. It can also feel really weird at first, but if you keep your chin up and smile at people, the feeling you get when they smile back will make you want to do it over and over again.

Step 4: All you need is…one question.

Smiling and friendly thoughts will only take you so far…now you have to talk to people! Does starting a convo bring on an attack of shyness? Try adding a good question to your friend-finding tools—one that gets you more than a yes or no answer. Strong opening questions usually begin with “what” or “how”—words that get people talking. Typically, our first instinct is to ask a “can” or a “do” question, like “Can I borrow a pencil?” or “Do you know where the bathroom is?” But that only gets you short answers, like “Yeah” or “Down the hall.” Asking “what” or “how” questions gets you more information to respond to. Try something like, “Hi. I really like that flower. How did you draw it?” or “Hi. I’m new. What’s the least scary lunch option in the caf?”

Step 5: I hear you.

Congrats—you’ve broken the ice and met a potential new friend! Now what? Ideally, the conversation will keep rolling, with both of you asking questions and really listening to the answers, sharing who you are and what you like. Look for things you have in common. What movies or music does she like? What’s her favorite subject? (Notice those “what” questions popping up again…) It’s okay if you aren’t into all the same things she is—different tastes make people interesting. What’s important is that you listen closely to her answers, so she’ll see that you’re interested in what she has to say. What if she forgets to listen well, and goes on and on about her bad morning, or how her sister always borrows clothes without asking? Too much “me-me-me” is just that—too much! So try saying, “Yeah, I know…that can be really stressful/annoying/frustrating,” and then politely change the subject to something you’re both interested in…like your teacher’s obsession with plaid pants. Or who Zac Efron is dating.

Step 6: Repeat as necessary.

The next time you see the girl you spoke to, do the smiling-eye-contact-question thing again. It might feel safer to wait for her to make the next move, but then she might think you don’t want to talk to her. If you summoned up your bold, sassy side once, you can do it again…so go for it! A word of caution, though: There’s no need to go overboard! You don’t want to follow a new friend around all day, hounding her with questions. After a smile and a brief chat, go back to what you were doing. Chances are, she’ll be the one to get things rolling next time. And if she doesn’t…well, not everyone is going to be your new BFF. There will always be some people you just don’t click with, but that’s okay. Being friendly and open will help you find the ones you can be close with.

Step 7: Practice, practice, practice.

Making new friends is a skill. Like art, music, or sports, it takes practice to feel truly confident at it. But the more you practice, the more relaxed and natural you’ll feel, and the easier it will get. So flash that smile, offer some welcoming words, and soon you’ll be hanging out with your newest buds!

Originally printed in Discovery Girls magazine. Share this with your daughter.