DiscoverYour Daughter

Middle school and cliques often go hand in hand. Everyone wants to be accepted, and what better way to accomplish that than to join a group of friends who laugh at private jokes and hang out together every chance they get? Sounds like a blast, and it can be. But cliques can also get really ugly. Rumors, lies, backstabbing—you might have to deal with all of it. Before you make up your mind about joining a clique, consider the pros and cons…

The Pros:

You’ll always have people to go to. When you’re part of a clique, you know exactly where your seat is at lunch. When the bell rings, you know just who you’ll talk to in the halls. And you won’t have to think about who to call when you’re bored. You’ll have all the girls on speed dial. In a lot of ways, it’s like having your own private support group!

Cliques give people a sense of belonging. It can be tough to know who you are in middle school. So much is changing—the things you like to do, your personal style, maybe even which subjects come easily to you in school. But joining a clique can help you feel secure.

You can learn from the other people in the clique—from new ways to dress to how to deal with tough situations. Maybe one girl in the clique is really outgoing, and you learn from watching her how to act more confident. Maybe another girl is super athletic, and she teaches you how to improve your penalty kick. Just as important, you can teach things to the other girls, too—and that can really boost your self-confidence.

You’ve got girls who’ve got your back. If someone calls you “Four-eyes” in math class, the other girls will come to your defense. Or if you do badly on a test, they’ll be there to reassure you that you’re still awesome. You’ll also know exactly who to tell first when something wonderful happens—like when you’re chosen for the lead in the school play. There’s nothing like having a supportive group of friends—people you can trust to be there for you through life’s ups and downs.

The Cons:

It can close you off from other people. Chances are you’ll end up hanging out with only the girls in your clique, and you might miss out on meeting a lot of interesting people if you never give anyone else a chance. Imagine you’re sitting in science class, and your teacher says everyone should partner off. You might want to ask this really nice girl who always says funny things in class to be your partner. But three girls from your clique are also in your class, and they may get mad if you ask someone else. Are you really going to risk it?

Cliques usually have a leader—and she can be mean. There’s usually (but not always!) one girl who calls the shots and tells everyone else what to do. She decides who’s in and who’s out. If she gets mad at you, things can get ugly fast. Once she’s made up her mind, everyone else usually goes along with her. They may even start being mean to you because they’re too scared to stand up to her. That’s one of the worst things about cliques: The members often don’t think for themselves.

You may become desperate for their approval. Sometimes when girls are in a clique they spend all their time trying to impress the other girls. They focus on buying the right clothes, saying the right things, and talking to the right people. They may even need to run things by their clique before they make a decision. You might love the new shirt your mom picked out for you, but will you wear it if your friends don’t think it’s cool?

Cliques can make people feel left out. That’s the main difference between a clique and a group of friends. A group of friends is a bunch of people who hang out together. A clique is an exclusive group that only lets certain people in. While you’re sitting at lunch or walking around the court together in gym class with your clique, there may be girls sitting alone, feeling sad and left out, wishing they could talk to you. But those girls won’t approach you, and you probably won’t approach them.

If you’re not willing to risk the cons of a clique, don’t worry! You can still enjoy supportive friendships without joining one. You and your friends can agree to stay open to new people, and not become a closed group. Or why not choose the people you like to hang out with on an individual basis?

It can be scary at first to approach people without a safety net—like a clique—but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Keep in mind that you’re not the only person who wants to make new friends. If you walk up to someone, smile, and be the fun person you know you are, you won’t have to try to make new friends…it will just happen.

Originally printed in Discovery Girls magazine. Share this with your daughter.